Paul Garrett - How to Love the One Your With

We had a great meeting with Paul Garrett a therapist that specializes in family and disaster response and adoption.  He spoke to us about Marriage and how to make yours stronger.

He started out with a story – 

Take two accomplished musicians of the same instrument and put one in a recording studio.  Give them a musical instrument and let them play.  Then put the other one in the same studio and have them play the same instrument and music.  Will you be able to differentiate the two players?

So of course you would be able to tell the difference between the two as nobody does the same thing the same way, there is no marriage like yours, there are some similarities but it is up to you to honor your very own characteristics and traits in your marriage.  

Remember, marriage is WORK romance is great.  You have to decide if you are going to have a good marriage or just be married.  Everyday is a day to start to have a good marriage, pick what you want to do better for you or your spouse.  Make a pattern of commitment and lay the foundations.  

As you create a better relationship with your spouse you are showing your children how to relate to people.  Remember to take time to get away to talk about the things you talked about when you met, teach your children that it is important for Mom and Dad to have that time.  Be Bold NOT aggressive for example aggressive language is ‘I hate it, or it is stupid’.  Avoid the words ‘Need’ and ‘Should’ as what you see as a need might not be the same for your spouse – dishes don’t ‘need’ to be cleaned, in the eyes of many. 

To help connect with your husband look at taking care of the little boy inside him.  Reward him when he does something you wanted him to do.  To help initiate conversations with your husband they do better talking while driving in a car or holding a shovel.  Find ways to make your spouse feel loved and happy but ensure you are not selling yourself out.

Intimacy is very important to a marriage.  You and your spouse need to be able to be open and honest and comfortable talking about it so you can talk to your children about it.  You have to be upfront and practice talking about your needs.  Intimacy is private and personal, joining two caring people together that is long lasting.  

Paul also shared a handout with the following information:

Things to remember throughout your marriage to avoid getting lost.  Above all remember good marriage happens based on effort and continued commitment to the other.

 

1. Something brought you together.  Keep it in your awareness and return to it because it was a positive.
2.  Remember children are a portion of your relationship and cherish it but your spouse should be more.
3. Develop activities that bless your children and develop you and your spouse.
4. Remember how you relate to your spouse is how your children will relate to their spouse and children aka your grandchildren.
5. Work in the moment but remember the big picture.
6.  Ask yourself, ‘Is what I am going to say bringing light into the relationship or just heat?’
7. Speak up and be bold.  What is the difference between being bold and aggressive?  (do you want to be right or be friends?  Sometimes, they are mutually exclusive) 
8. Seek for the betterment of the other.
9. Create a weekly routine that takes care of schedule, finances, family and above all, the couple.  Teach the children and friends, the spousal relationship is always a part of any decision.